Kadalasa'y napapanaginipan ko ang aking ama sa loob ng isang sasakyan kung saan siya ang nagmamaneho.
Kay linaw pa ng aking mga alaala noong kami'y maglalakbay sa kung saan-saang mga lugar, minsan maiikli, minsan mahahabang oras sa kalsadang dati-rati'y hindi naman naaantala ng matinding pagsikip ng mga kalye tulad ngayon sa Maynila.
Maliit pa lamang ako noon, isinasakay na niya ako sa harapan, tangan ko ang mumunti kong bag, at ang batok ko'y namumuti pa sa pulbos na dumikit sa Johnson's Baby Cologne na ipinahid ng nanay ko. Isasaksak na niya ang cassette tape ni Julio Iglesias at kami'y lalarga na papuntang Caloocan, Montalban, Quezon o sa palengke sa pagitan ng Navotas at Malabon. May mga panahon ding iiwan namin ang kotse sa Cubao at mula roo'y papapasahe na kami sa bus o di kaya'y lalakarin na lamang ang aming patutunguhan.
Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang tuwa ko sa tuwing sasamahan ko siyang lumabas at sisimulan ang aming pakikipagsapalaran. Natuto akong manatili sa aking upuan kahit masakit sa leeg ang seatbelt, tumanaw sa bintanang bahagyang bukas upang malanghap ang sariwang hangin, makinig sa lumang tugtugin, at higit sa lahat, makinig sa kanyang mga salaysay.
Ni minsan ay di ko nakitang mawalan ng direksiyon ang tatay ko kapag nagmamaneho siya. Palagi siyang sigurado sa daan, at kung maiba nang kaunti ay nalalaman niya kung saan lulusot ang bawat eskinita. Kung malibang man siya sa pag-iisip, itutuloy na lamang niya ang panibagong daan at mararating din namin ang kalsadang kabisado niya. Hinding-hindi siya aaming nawala siya sapagkat nahahanap din naman niya ang daang pabalik; sisipol na lamang siya at magmamane-obra patungo sa highway. Dahil dito'y natutunan ko rin ang mga pasikot-sikot sa iba't-ibang lugar, na nakatulong noong ako na mismo ang nagmaneho sa paglaon.
Ang nakapagtataka rito'y hindi niya ako tinuruan magmaneho. Ang dahilan niya'y mabilis uminit ang kanyang ulo at wari niya'y hindi matatapos ang leksiyon sa dami ng beses niya akong kakagalitan. Subalit sa paglipas ng panahon, ako rin ang pinagkatiwalaan niyang humawak ng kanyang sasakyan kapag kinailangan kong hiramin ito.
Nang dinatnan na siya ng karamdaman, isa sa mga pinakadinaing niya'y ang makapagmanehong muli. Makailang beses din niyang patakas na dinala ang kotse nang walang paalam kahit para lamang pumunta sa botika, maramdaman lamang ang kakayahan niyang humawak ng manibela. Bagaman at halos pumutok na ang puso ko sa kaba sa tuwing mangyari iyon, may idinulot ding kaluwagan ng loob na naroon pa rin ang matapang at matatag na diwa ng tatay ko sa kabila ng kahinaan ng kanyang katawan.
Marahil, kaya ko napapanaginipan siyang nagmamaneho ay dahil naikintal na sa aking isipan ang kaniyang katatagan, na siyang pinaghuhugutan ko ng lakas at kaliwanagan sa mga pagkakataong nararamdaman kong ako'y naliligaw. Ipinapahiwatig niya sa aking hindi niya ako pinababayaan, at kung mangyari man na ako'y malito, kinakailangan ko lang mag-maneobra at hanapin ang tunay na daan na tiyak na matatagpuan ko sa susunod na kanto. Kinakailangan ko lamang manalig sa aking mga kakayahan, sumipol at huwag kaliligtaang may matututunan sa bawat daang tatahakin.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Friday, June 10, 2011
ako ang mabining patak ng ulan.
It came unexpectedly, on a weekend that was meant for fun with friends, a last hurrah for the summer.
Instead, I drove in hard rain, with his tiny MP3 player that I hoped would not run out until I got to the beach house.
Once there, I was surrounded by a jolly group armed with drinks, games and enough food to sustain us for a week in case a tsunami hit the peninsula. I came earlier than the others, and had a chance to be in a room all by myself. I changed into a swimsuit, and took a dip in the pool. Uncharacteristically I decided to swim crawl-style (or "freestyle" as it is popularly called) for a few laps. I realised I was still conscious about how my body was not smoothly rolling from side to side as it should, and I could have sworn I heard a familiar "tsk, tsk" in the background. It began to rain and I thought, maybe I could just run a bit tomorrow morning, then attempt to swim again right after.
***********
He called me "lampa" for as long as I can remember. He never questioned my intellect or my musical talent, but he was always skeptical about me when it came to sports. I got straight A's in school only to be ruined by the B minus in PE (oh, and in art class, too). I was always last in races, dropped the shot put before even getting to throw it, messed up everything that had to do with balls, and was the butt of jokes when I decided to try playing badminton with officemates ("Nakakapalo naman? Hindi puro pulot? Hahaha").
But swimming was another thing. He had been swimming even before he learned math, and he used to swim for survival, to put food on the table. It was his passion, and he taught me to love the water and not be scared of it at a young age. He tried to train me but I didn't learn how to breathe properly while swimming until i needed to: the last PE class available for my last semester in college was Basic Life Saving and I surely needed to save myself first before I could attempt to rescue others. I took extra night lessons to prepare me for class in the morning, and I finally was confident about my swimming skills, except for crawl style -- the one he did best.
"May rhythm yan. Matututunan mo na lang siya kapag hindi ka na nag-aalala kung anong pace mo. Huwag mong intindihin kung mabagal ka, basta steady ka. At tsaka yung ulo, ikot lang, huwag i-angat. Itikom mo na rin yung bibig mo at baka makalulon ka pa ng tubig imbes na makahinga," this he used to tell me, chuckling at my clumsy strokes.
***********
I guessed it was almost 6am by then, with the cloudy sky trying to give way to the sunrise. I moved to my side and opened my eyes and was surprised to see the wall of my parents' room. I blinked, knowing I was not home, but I couldn't take the image out of my head. I closed my eyes and then heard a familiar whistle. He just came from the bathroom, towel wrapped around his lower body, looked at me and said, "Hi."
I immediately hugged him and I felt his damp, loose skin against mine. I kissed his cheek and he said,
"Ok na ba kayo? Kung ok na kayo, pwede na ako. Ok na rin ako."
I called out to my mother and she saw him, too. They hugged and I was so happy to see them together.
Suddenly I was outside the house, and saw a lot of people walking in one direction, as though they were going to gather in one place. I recognized some of them, but these were relatives who had passed away a long time ago. I asked,
"Ano po'ng meron? Saan kayo pupunta?"
One of my dad's sisters-in-law, who had been dead for more than 20 years, told me, "Si Leno, handa na. Sasamahan namin siya." Beside her was her son, who is actually still alive. I asked him if he knew where he was going, and he said he didn't know but he felt the urge to go in that direction. I also asked him if he saw who he was with, and he replied that he was walking alone.
"Wala kang nakikitang kasama mo?"
"Wala."
"Eh ba't ako may nakikita?"
His mother replied, "Kasi mulat ka na."
I went back to the Malabon house and saw Mom put down grocery bags like she just came home from the supermarket. She smiled and told me we were going home. Just then, I saw a big photograph of Dad underneath the glass table, surrounded by red rose petals. Strains of Martin Nievera singing "Kahit Isang Saglit" could be heard, as though Martin himself was rehearsing for an open concert that day.
And then, I woke up, crying, and saw I was at the beach house again, with my friends sleeping in the same room.
***********
Roused from a vivid dream, I went out quietly, put on my rubber shoes, and went out for a jog around the neighborhood, then went back into the pool and finally did the crawl, improving my technique with every lap. I stopped midway into my last round, and looked out into the sea. The view was overwhelmingly beautiful: the sun's rays were peeking out of the dark clouds, the water seemed empty but the waves were dangerously coming one after the other. No one was awake. I wept, and my sobs were muffled by the wind and a gentle drizzle. It was as though my emotions were perfectly mirrored by the weather: I was silent, but I was not still. I felt it happening all over again, in the dream, that I was left alone once more, that I had to accept that I was to remain while he was to move on. I whispered for the Father I prayed to, and the father I had lost, to help me be at peace, to fill the enormous void in my heart and turn my troubled soul to calm.
As the storm pattered on my car's windshield on the way home, I felt a semblance of the peace I was looking for. Suddenly it wasn't so lonely to be alone, and my heart was brimming with gratitude that I had a home to return to. Listening to the beat of the raindrops, I remembered to develop a rhythm inside me. I need not to speed up, but to find my own pace. No matter how fast or slow it may be, it will keep me steady, and keep me moving forward.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Here's to long life.
We are having pancit tonight, lovingly prepared by Mom. Funny how pancit in our family is treated like ulam with a platter of steamed white rice on the side.
It is a late dinner even by our standards (we usually eat between 8:30pm and 9:00pm), having returned from the Easter Vigil mass which ended at 10pm. There still is a bit of kare-kare and adobong pusit left over from the past few days, but we had those already for lunch. All these festive dishes remind me of Noche Buena and Christmas Day, as we celebrate the Resurrection with a special feast. However, we gather for each meal quietly, with a somber and reflective mood, as it is our first Easter without Dad.
It's times like these when I miss Dad the most. He would be second to the last to come to the table for a meal (I would be last), and everyone would hear his deliberate sigh and the heavy steps leading to the dining room. I knew I only had a few seconds left on the phone before I would hear him call me three times. "Chise, Chise, Chisey!" (he corrupted all of our nicknames to his liking.) I would then hurriedly say my whispered goodbye over the phone before he would blurt out, "Tama na yan! Oras na ng pagkain, puro telefono pa rin ang inaatupag!"
Meals were sacred at home, and everyone was expected to be at the table even if one had already eaten out. I was seated across him, and he would always scrutinise what I ate (and what I didn't). It would revolve around permutations of me eating too much rice or why I suddenly stopped eating rice, and how he loved to watch me eat. Magana raw, at nakakagana akong kumain. He always expected me to like anything he liked, and he was right most times. He would encourage me to eat the food of his days in Malabon, and I indulged him. In fact, it was an unwritten rule that any male friend or suitor who would visit the house would win his approval (to at least visit the house) if he had the appetite for an unfamiliar dish served to him -- be it eel (igat), horse (tapang kabayo) or sinigang sa dugo. He would actually feel a bit insulted if the offer to eat was declined, but it was almost always welcomed with gusto, since he also ate his meals so heartily, he could even make a man eat dirt if he wanted to.
Thus, meals at home were not just instances to feed our stomachs, they were important social events. It was at the dining table when we were at our most candid selves, and if ever there were any misunderstandings or grievances, it was always settled over a good meal. Somehow, food was usually enough to ease our misery because it just tasted so satisfyingly delicious.
When Dad started becoming very weak, I made it a point to dine with him whenever I could, be it early breakfasts and dinners during workdays, and every meal on weekends. Sometimes, when I would bring Mom to mass on Sundays, I would sneak back home and join Dad for his late breakfast, since he would just be waking up when we were already preparing for church. I wished that each time I ate with him, he would eat a bit more. His favorite was pancit, and we had it at least once a week, and, of course, with steamed rice on the side.
When I had trouble eating these past few weeks, I thought about Dad a lot. I never missed a meal while he was around (or at least I was good at hiding it), because he was always asking me to eat with him. He would even call me at work to check if I had lunch already; and if I left my lunchbox at home, he would drive to the bank to give it to me. That fateful day when I was hospitalised, I was having our favorite brunch fare of pinangat na banak, and I knew Mom ate it with me not because she liked it (she preferred it cooked paksiw-style) but because she wanted to see me eat again. Honestly, though, I felt all the more lonely because I missed Daddy.
Tonight, as I count the minutes before Easter Sunday, I look at the pancit served before us. More than the usual symbol for long life, it is an invitation for me to celebrate what my life has given me thus far. Here is Daddy, asking me to eat with him, and to let go of my loneliness. I sit beside my Mom, and get some. I make room for rice on my plate, and I imagine him laughing at my appetite for carbs.
It is a late dinner even by our standards (we usually eat between 8:30pm and 9:00pm), having returned from the Easter Vigil mass which ended at 10pm. There still is a bit of kare-kare and adobong pusit left over from the past few days, but we had those already for lunch. All these festive dishes remind me of Noche Buena and Christmas Day, as we celebrate the Resurrection with a special feast. However, we gather for each meal quietly, with a somber and reflective mood, as it is our first Easter without Dad.
It's times like these when I miss Dad the most. He would be second to the last to come to the table for a meal (I would be last), and everyone would hear his deliberate sigh and the heavy steps leading to the dining room. I knew I only had a few seconds left on the phone before I would hear him call me three times. "Chise, Chise, Chisey!" (he corrupted all of our nicknames to his liking.) I would then hurriedly say my whispered goodbye over the phone before he would blurt out, "Tama na yan! Oras na ng pagkain, puro telefono pa rin ang inaatupag!"
Meals were sacred at home, and everyone was expected to be at the table even if one had already eaten out. I was seated across him, and he would always scrutinise what I ate (and what I didn't). It would revolve around permutations of me eating too much rice or why I suddenly stopped eating rice, and how he loved to watch me eat. Magana raw, at nakakagana akong kumain. He always expected me to like anything he liked, and he was right most times. He would encourage me to eat the food of his days in Malabon, and I indulged him. In fact, it was an unwritten rule that any male friend or suitor who would visit the house would win his approval (to at least visit the house) if he had the appetite for an unfamiliar dish served to him -- be it eel (igat), horse (tapang kabayo) or sinigang sa dugo. He would actually feel a bit insulted if the offer to eat was declined, but it was almost always welcomed with gusto, since he also ate his meals so heartily, he could even make a man eat dirt if he wanted to.
Thus, meals at home were not just instances to feed our stomachs, they were important social events. It was at the dining table when we were at our most candid selves, and if ever there were any misunderstandings or grievances, it was always settled over a good meal. Somehow, food was usually enough to ease our misery because it just tasted so satisfyingly delicious.
When Dad started becoming very weak, I made it a point to dine with him whenever I could, be it early breakfasts and dinners during workdays, and every meal on weekends. Sometimes, when I would bring Mom to mass on Sundays, I would sneak back home and join Dad for his late breakfast, since he would just be waking up when we were already preparing for church. I wished that each time I ate with him, he would eat a bit more. His favorite was pancit, and we had it at least once a week, and, of course, with steamed rice on the side.
When I had trouble eating these past few weeks, I thought about Dad a lot. I never missed a meal while he was around (or at least I was good at hiding it), because he was always asking me to eat with him. He would even call me at work to check if I had lunch already; and if I left my lunchbox at home, he would drive to the bank to give it to me. That fateful day when I was hospitalised, I was having our favorite brunch fare of pinangat na banak, and I knew Mom ate it with me not because she liked it (she preferred it cooked paksiw-style) but because she wanted to see me eat again. Honestly, though, I felt all the more lonely because I missed Daddy.
Tonight, as I count the minutes before Easter Sunday, I look at the pancit served before us. More than the usual symbol for long life, it is an invitation for me to celebrate what my life has given me thus far. Here is Daddy, asking me to eat with him, and to let go of my loneliness. I sit beside my Mom, and get some. I make room for rice on my plate, and I imagine him laughing at my appetite for carbs.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
before you go, let this moment be sweet again.
Today was a good day. We had lunch at Holy Cross by Dad's grave and had the usual picnic fare of adobo and inihaw na liempo with a siding of red egg and tomato salad, never mind if I mostly ate bananas due to my upper GI ailment. My nephews and I each had our own set of wheels to try out on the grass, and each attempt was a success (or, a success in progress).
I planned this day long before everyone else, but even if it turned out completely different, it gave me a short but significant sense of relief.
*********
I was brought to the hospital last Monday after I vomited blood with my breakfast. Too bad; I had a really nice meal -- I hadn't eaten pinangat na banak in ages. Honestly, I hadn't been eating well lately. I guess the erratic food intake got the best of me and my gut. After about 4 hours in the ER, I was admitted to a room where I would not be able to eat until the endoscopy which was scheduled for the morning after.
Great. Now that I was craving for food I shunned for days, I couldn't eat. Then, Mom had to leave me alone for a few hours because she prepared the hospital documents and had to get my personal stuff from home. Moreso, I missed my friend who gave birth in the same hospital and was in a room directly below mine. I felt very lonely in the room, and I cried myself to sleep.
*********
And then, one July evening, it felt like I was a child again, on my side of the bed, but this time it was Daddy who needed comforting. He had been shivering and I eased myself onto the hospital bed while I rubbed his arm for warmth. He whispered a meek "Thank you", and just when I thought he was about to sleep, he spoke to me.
"Matagal na kitang hindi nakatabi."
"Oo nga. Eh si Mommy naman ang katabi nyo mula nung lumipat kami ng kwarto diba?" He then put his arm over mine and stroked it lightly.
"Salamat, salamat. salamat sa panahong ito. At sa iyo." He rested his head on my shoulder. I held my tears as much as I could, but they wouldn't stop.
Dad and I continued to talk to each other that night, as he tried to remember every good thing that happened in our lives that he was thankful for. He asked me to take care of Mom and my siblings. I asked for his blessing to accept whoever I choose to love; he gave it on the condition that I must be truly happy and that I wouldn't forget what I was worth. Then, he said,
"Naalalala ko kung ano yung sinabi ko noong kasal ni Joy (we just watched the dvd again earlier that evening), at sana hindi kita nasaktan. Mahalaga ka sa akin. Huwag mong kakalimutan 'yon."
I kissed his forehead and I knew that even for one brief moment, I had my old Daddy back. By then, it was not I who was comforting him but rather he who was comforting me.
*********
I opened my eyes and saw Mom was back in my hospital room, with my clothes, my laptop and her own stuff. She read that I was allowed a general liquid diet for the evening, and inspected my food tray of rice gruel, soup and jello. Then, a few visitors came -- my childhood friend, a couple of sports buddies and even my friend's husband who took time out from new daddy duties to check on me. But the best part was when my siblings, their spouses and my eldest nephew all came in to visit. D crawled into my bed and lay beside me while he changed the TV channel to Nickelodeon. It was an all-familiar scene, sans the Chinese food. I felt better already.
*********
As I took off my gloves and packed our stuff back into the car, it occurred to me that it had been 5 months already since Dad's passing. Not a day has gone by without me missing him, and as we tread on without him, we realize that we still have a lot of things to do. Yet I believe he allowed us to enjoy this day to remember him, and to remember that each of us are loved.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Measure in LOVE.
Today, I woke up not too groggily as in recent mornings. It is going to be a busy weekend, and I carefully recalled my agenda for the day.
I instinctively go inside my parents' room and find it empty. The phone rings, a neighbor informs me that another oldtimer has passed away. She is also sorry for not being able to visit Dad, but asked if we got the mass card she sent. I thank her for her sympathy. My voice echoes in the room and I realise it didn't used to resonate as much when we had carpet flooring before the flood.
I turn on Dad's 20-year-old AM/FM pocket radio and listen to his doctor's advice on herbal medicines on his 30-minute morning show. I hope to hear him mention about Dad, but he never does.
The house is abuzz with activity as we clean the rooms to await my family's arrival. Joy is coming home with the baby, and I was left at home to oversee things and to have time to prepare for a wedding I will be attending. It will be my first social event outside of family. I practice "Seasons of Love" in the car while I take a quick trip to the salon, and I remember the quotation I selected for Dad's tombstone, hearing it in my head in Dad's voice:
"Sa takipsilim ng buhay, ang tao'y susukatin lamang sa ngalan ng pag-ibig."
**********
"Of course, I grieved. For a very long time. She was beside me, mainit pa nga ang katawan niya kaya hindi ko mapaniwalaang patay na siya."
Dad was telling me a story again, while driving to Malabon. We were in the new white Sentra, the aircon was cool, and Placido Domingo's cassette tape was playing on deck.
"Ang pinatutugtog ko noon was 'The End of the World', kinakanta ko 'yun 'pag nag-iisa ako, kasi ganun ang naramdaman ko noon. Gusto kong tumigil ang mundo para ipagluksa siya. Paanong magpapatuloy ang paligid ko gayong ang buhay ko ay nawalan na ng saysay?"
"Eh paano nga 'yun, Daddy?", I asked. I tried to remember the last time I felt really bad. My grandma's death? When I got humiliated in front of the entire class because I forgot my sewing project at home? I couldn't find anything that could approximate my Dad's loss. I haven't even thought about boys at that age, much less know anything about heartbreak.
"Nangyari na lang, I picked myself up. Gaya nung mamatay ang tatay ko nung 10 years old ako. Inisip ko, 'paano kami mabubuhay ng nanay ko?' I had no time to grieve dahil kinaumagahan kinailangan ko nang lumusong sa ilog para may makain kami. And so I did. Masaklap, pero kung hindi ko ginawa 'yun kaagad, magugutom kami ng nanay ko.
"Kasi anak, kapag ang tao'y namamatay, hindi naman siya nalulungkot. Ang nagpapalungkot sa kamatayan ay ang mga taong naiwan niya. It's the selfishness in the hearts of those that are left behind that makes them sad. Kaya dapat hindi ka malungkot kapag may namamatay. Kapag ako wala na, huwag kang malulungkot, ha? Aalagaan mo ang mommy mo, ang mga kapatid mo. Si Kuya Pepe mo at si Kuya Jun mo, huwag mo kakalimutan dahil kawawa naman sila."
"Eh paano naman yun, Daddy, pagdating mo sa heaven, asawa ka na ulit ni Tita Nading? Magagalit ka ba pag nakita mo yung Papa ni Kuya Dacky?"
Dad laughed. "Hindi, pag nagkita-kita na kami roon, magkakaibigan na kami lahat, siyempre. Alam mo ba, nung naghoneymoon kami ng mommy mo, nag-jogging ako habang natutulog siya sa hotel. Pagdaan ko sa isang garden, nakita ko si Nading. Nakatayo siya sa harap ko. Ang takot ko nun nung makita ko siya sa malayo. Parang buhay na buhay siya. Paglapit ko, nakangiti siya. Doon ko nalaman na masaya na siya para sa akin. Hindi siya nagsalita, pero naramdaman ko ang pagmamahal niya.
"Kaya huwag kang iiyak, ha? Ikaw ang inaasahan ni Dad. Ayoko ng malungkot. Gusto ko magsaya ka para sa akin. Kasi magkikita pa naman tayo. Tandaan mo lang ako paminsan-minsan."
*******
It is now 11AM and I have yet to eat the pandesal with vienna sausage that Mom left me for breakfast. The maid absent-mindedly puts coffee in Dad's cup, and I volunteer to have it for myself. I wonder if I could actually finish it, having wasted cup upon cup after his death as it reminded me of how I would make it for him in the days when he could no longer feed himself. I check if the beef is tender for nilaga which we're preparing for lunch. Joy would love to have soup.
The dress I'll be wearing for the wedding is hanging on the wall, neatly pressed. I listen again to "Seasons of Love" and think about the friends I will be seeing later. My old room is now slowly being converted into the nursery/family room for Joy, Mitch and Baby Dylan. Soon, the house will be lively again as everyone will be fussing about the infant and the new mom.
"In the sunset of life, man will only be measured by love."
And so, 525,600 minutes begin once more for me, as I swim at every sunrise into the river of life to search for nourishment of my soul, guided by the love of a father who awaits me at the end, smiling and laughing at my clumsy yet determined strokes.
I instinctively go inside my parents' room and find it empty. The phone rings, a neighbor informs me that another oldtimer has passed away. She is also sorry for not being able to visit Dad, but asked if we got the mass card she sent. I thank her for her sympathy. My voice echoes in the room and I realise it didn't used to resonate as much when we had carpet flooring before the flood.
I turn on Dad's 20-year-old AM/FM pocket radio and listen to his doctor's advice on herbal medicines on his 30-minute morning show. I hope to hear him mention about Dad, but he never does.
The house is abuzz with activity as we clean the rooms to await my family's arrival. Joy is coming home with the baby, and I was left at home to oversee things and to have time to prepare for a wedding I will be attending. It will be my first social event outside of family. I practice "Seasons of Love" in the car while I take a quick trip to the salon, and I remember the quotation I selected for Dad's tombstone, hearing it in my head in Dad's voice:
"Sa takipsilim ng buhay, ang tao'y susukatin lamang sa ngalan ng pag-ibig."
**********
"Of course, I grieved. For a very long time. She was beside me, mainit pa nga ang katawan niya kaya hindi ko mapaniwalaang patay na siya."
Dad was telling me a story again, while driving to Malabon. We were in the new white Sentra, the aircon was cool, and Placido Domingo's cassette tape was playing on deck.
"Ang pinatutugtog ko noon was 'The End of the World', kinakanta ko 'yun 'pag nag-iisa ako, kasi ganun ang naramdaman ko noon. Gusto kong tumigil ang mundo para ipagluksa siya. Paanong magpapatuloy ang paligid ko gayong ang buhay ko ay nawalan na ng saysay?"
"Eh paano nga 'yun, Daddy?", I asked. I tried to remember the last time I felt really bad. My grandma's death? When I got humiliated in front of the entire class because I forgot my sewing project at home? I couldn't find anything that could approximate my Dad's loss. I haven't even thought about boys at that age, much less know anything about heartbreak.
"Nangyari na lang, I picked myself up. Gaya nung mamatay ang tatay ko nung 10 years old ako. Inisip ko, 'paano kami mabubuhay ng nanay ko?' I had no time to grieve dahil kinaumagahan kinailangan ko nang lumusong sa ilog para may makain kami. And so I did. Masaklap, pero kung hindi ko ginawa 'yun kaagad, magugutom kami ng nanay ko.
"Kasi anak, kapag ang tao'y namamatay, hindi naman siya nalulungkot. Ang nagpapalungkot sa kamatayan ay ang mga taong naiwan niya. It's the selfishness in the hearts of those that are left behind that makes them sad. Kaya dapat hindi ka malungkot kapag may namamatay. Kapag ako wala na, huwag kang malulungkot, ha? Aalagaan mo ang mommy mo, ang mga kapatid mo. Si Kuya Pepe mo at si Kuya Jun mo, huwag mo kakalimutan dahil kawawa naman sila."
"Eh paano naman yun, Daddy, pagdating mo sa heaven, asawa ka na ulit ni Tita Nading? Magagalit ka ba pag nakita mo yung Papa ni Kuya Dacky?"
Dad laughed. "Hindi, pag nagkita-kita na kami roon, magkakaibigan na kami lahat, siyempre. Alam mo ba, nung naghoneymoon kami ng mommy mo, nag-jogging ako habang natutulog siya sa hotel. Pagdaan ko sa isang garden, nakita ko si Nading. Nakatayo siya sa harap ko. Ang takot ko nun nung makita ko siya sa malayo. Parang buhay na buhay siya. Paglapit ko, nakangiti siya. Doon ko nalaman na masaya na siya para sa akin. Hindi siya nagsalita, pero naramdaman ko ang pagmamahal niya.
"Kaya huwag kang iiyak, ha? Ikaw ang inaasahan ni Dad. Ayoko ng malungkot. Gusto ko magsaya ka para sa akin. Kasi magkikita pa naman tayo. Tandaan mo lang ako paminsan-minsan."
*******
It is now 11AM and I have yet to eat the pandesal with vienna sausage that Mom left me for breakfast. The maid absent-mindedly puts coffee in Dad's cup, and I volunteer to have it for myself. I wonder if I could actually finish it, having wasted cup upon cup after his death as it reminded me of how I would make it for him in the days when he could no longer feed himself. I check if the beef is tender for nilaga which we're preparing for lunch. Joy would love to have soup.
The dress I'll be wearing for the wedding is hanging on the wall, neatly pressed. I listen again to "Seasons of Love" and think about the friends I will be seeing later. My old room is now slowly being converted into the nursery/family room for Joy, Mitch and Baby Dylan. Soon, the house will be lively again as everyone will be fussing about the infant and the new mom.
"In the sunset of life, man will only be measured by love."
And so, 525,600 minutes begin once more for me, as I swim at every sunrise into the river of life to search for nourishment of my soul, guided by the love of a father who awaits me at the end, smiling and laughing at my clumsy yet determined strokes.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Daddy's obituary
“Huwag magbantay sa aking puntod at maghimutok;
Wala ako roon, hindi ako natutulog.
Ako ang sanlaksang bituing nagniningning;
Ako ang sanlibong hangin sa papawirin.
Ako ang mabining patak ng ulan;
Ako ang sinag ng araw sa butil na ginintuan.
Ako ang tahiimik na ibong masigla sa paglipad;
Ako ang mahinhing dasal sa magdamag…”
ATTY. MAGDALENO B. CORTEZ
Peacefully joined his Creator
on November 10, 2010 at the age of 82.
He is survived by his wife, Josie; his daughters Celia, Christine and Joy; sons Jose, Raul and Ricci; children-in-law Bong, Val and Mitch; and grandchildren Bianca, Monica, Fatima, Diego and Dylan.
His body lies at:
(November 10, 11 and 13, 2010)
Our Lady of Consolation Parish (OLCP) Church
Alondras Street, Mira-Nila Homes, Tandang Sora, Quezon City
(November 12, 2010)
43 General Borromeo Street, Longos, Malabon
Interment will be on Sunday, November 14, 2010
after the 9:00 AM mass at OLCP Church
at Holy Cross Memorial Park, Novaliches, Quezon City.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
the music never ends.
Mom was feeding Dad his lugaw today when she told him out of the blue:
"Hindi mo na ako kinikindatan. Dati lagi kang pakindat-kindat sa kin. Kaya mo pa ba ngayon?"
He winked.
She responded by playfully nudging his right arm with her fist. Then he said in a toothless murmur,
"Payakap naman."
Mom hugged him as best as she could, she with her stiff lumbar belt and he with his permanent chest dialysis catheter. She jokingly asked him if it would lead to something else, which prompted me to go to the bathroom. Not that they could do anything else, but I wanted them to share an intimate moment together, for these moments are golden and don't come too often.
One other reason, the more important one (than that of a learned patience of a mother) that keeps my Mom willing to sacrifice for my Dad is, well, love. It is not just the general sense of love for family, or the marital obligation to stay "in sickness and in health", or just plain compassion for a loved one. It is the feeling of being in love, and to be able to show your affection for your beloved in any condition.
They are still very much in love. In Dad's moments of disorientation, the only clear memory is that of my mother. Mom, in turn, never fails to make him smile when she is at her goofiest especially when he is difficult to care for. They look at each other with such sweetness that it clearly explains why any of us children could never be enough to fill his loneliness, which I suspect is frequent when he falls silent, only opening his mouth to ask when she will be with him again. I try to make small talk with Dad and update him on current events, but he seems to be more interested when Mom asks him if the soup is too hot. There was one evening when he refused to eat dinner, and only agreed when we put Mom on speakerphone to remind him to eat. It's not just love between spouses, it's as if they were "going steady" again.
I totally understand how it is to feel lonely for a specific person. I haven't seen Joe for quite a while, and airborne bacteria in the hospital is such an inconvenient risk for us to meet. Watching over my Dad is a full day's work with almost no chance for "me" time, and even phone calls are cut incessantly due to Dad's restlessness when he coughs or complains about any discomfort. We will be remembering our second anniversary next week, but we are unsure if circumstances will allow us to celebrate it together. As the date approaches, I take time to think about how we have been friends for 11 years, and pray that we never forget to be friends in the years to come. After what I've seen today with my parents, I include a P.S. in my prayer to keep us in love as well.
My parents' love story is bittersweet, but its joys have always triumphed over all its sorrows. It was not easy to keep it going, but they have shown us time and again that they are right for each other. They are each other's favorite friend, the one with which they enjoy sharing the day's series of events, and the one they would say goodnight to last. Their passionate devotion to each other has evolved countless times, and I'm glad to have been there through all that. That is, of course, until they start their private jokes which sends the cue for me to exit the scene. Beautiful music seems to pipe in the room, and I am confident it will never end.
"Hindi mo na ako kinikindatan. Dati lagi kang pakindat-kindat sa kin. Kaya mo pa ba ngayon?"
He winked.
She responded by playfully nudging his right arm with her fist. Then he said in a toothless murmur,
"Payakap naman."
Mom hugged him as best as she could, she with her stiff lumbar belt and he with his permanent chest dialysis catheter. She jokingly asked him if it would lead to something else, which prompted me to go to the bathroom. Not that they could do anything else, but I wanted them to share an intimate moment together, for these moments are golden and don't come too often.
One other reason, the more important one (than that of a learned patience of a mother) that keeps my Mom willing to sacrifice for my Dad is, well, love. It is not just the general sense of love for family, or the marital obligation to stay "in sickness and in health", or just plain compassion for a loved one. It is the feeling of being in love, and to be able to show your affection for your beloved in any condition.
They are still very much in love. In Dad's moments of disorientation, the only clear memory is that of my mother. Mom, in turn, never fails to make him smile when she is at her goofiest especially when he is difficult to care for. They look at each other with such sweetness that it clearly explains why any of us children could never be enough to fill his loneliness, which I suspect is frequent when he falls silent, only opening his mouth to ask when she will be with him again. I try to make small talk with Dad and update him on current events, but he seems to be more interested when Mom asks him if the soup is too hot. There was one evening when he refused to eat dinner, and only agreed when we put Mom on speakerphone to remind him to eat. It's not just love between spouses, it's as if they were "going steady" again.
I totally understand how it is to feel lonely for a specific person. I haven't seen Joe for quite a while, and airborne bacteria in the hospital is such an inconvenient risk for us to meet. Watching over my Dad is a full day's work with almost no chance for "me" time, and even phone calls are cut incessantly due to Dad's restlessness when he coughs or complains about any discomfort. We will be remembering our second anniversary next week, but we are unsure if circumstances will allow us to celebrate it together. As the date approaches, I take time to think about how we have been friends for 11 years, and pray that we never forget to be friends in the years to come. After what I've seen today with my parents, I include a P.S. in my prayer to keep us in love as well.
My parents' love story is bittersweet, but its joys have always triumphed over all its sorrows. It was not easy to keep it going, but they have shown us time and again that they are right for each other. They are each other's favorite friend, the one with which they enjoy sharing the day's series of events, and the one they would say goodnight to last. Their passionate devotion to each other has evolved countless times, and I'm glad to have been there through all that. That is, of course, until they start their private jokes which sends the cue for me to exit the scene. Beautiful music seems to pipe in the room, and I am confident it will never end.
night is day, day is night.
A typical day at the hospital goes like this:
5:00 PM
Dad wakes up and waits for "breakfast". We feed him plain congee and a soup-based dish, preferably fish since he recently misplaced his dentures and could not chew any hard food. He relaxes while the physical therapist stretches his limbs for him and makes him move from side to side while on his bed. He talks a bit with Mom and waits for the news on TV.
7:00 PM
Dad watches the news with Mom and me. Mom starts to pack stuff that needs to be brought home while Dad looks at her intently, as if trying to capture the last moments with her before my Kuya picks her up to bring her home. Sometimes Dad eats dinner while Mom is here, other times he chooses to eat a bit later.
9:00 PM
I've finished eating dinner myself but could not begin my evening ritual yet since Dad is wide awake and subsequently is coughing more often. I channel surf to look for other interesting channels than the usual telenovelas on local fare so Dad won't be bored while Mom isn't around. The hospital nurses do their rounds and give his medicine, change his nappy and do the intermittent catheterization to drain his bladder.
10:00 PM
I try to squeeze in a call to Joe but more often than not it gets interrupted because of Dad's unbearable cough. The pulmotherapist enters the room for Dad's nebulization, which is supposed to ease his discomfort. It ends in about 20 minutes. I try to call Joe again, but I either fail to get a signal or he will have lost his, which means he has already begun his work. I take a bath and brush my teeth, careful to lock the room door lest Dad would call for me while I'm lathering...
12:00 MN
Dad is still wide awake. The nurse gets his last blood glucose reading for the day. He constantly asks for mom and shows no signs of sleepiness. I desperately look for a boring channel but he ends up watching everything from the Asian Food Channel to Euromaxx. Maybe tonight I will try the Manila Jockey Club channel. Makataya na rin sa karera :P
3:00 AM
I have been falling in and out of consciousness for the past 3 hours or so, and I find Dad's eyes open like a baby's, in awe of his surroundings. He asks me what time Mom will be back. I tell him she'll be here once he wakes up, but he has to sleep first. The pulmotherapist returns for another nebulization session, and now Dad is grumpy and I have to hold the vapor mask in front of his face just so he doesn't skip it. He complains of an itch and I see dry bits of talcum powder and dead skin under his back on the bed. He tells me he needs a diaper change and I manage to do it all by myself because the nurses are nowhere to be found at this hour. On "lucky" days when his diaper is full, I draw warm water from the tap, mix it with bath soap in a basin, dip a washcloth and give him a sponge bath to refresh him.
6:00 AM
2 hours of deep sleep is rudely interrupted by the "good morning" courtesy call of the morning shift nurses. They have a litany of reminders about Dad's meds, his meals, his fluid intake, and the nebulization/PT schedules for the day. They leave without remembering to turn off the lights. I get up and shut them off myself. Meanwhile, Dad is awake again and asks if Mom is on her way. I tell him that she will be here soon. He tells me he will wait for her and not sleep anymore. I sigh and hope that she rode with Joy and Mitch so that we don't have to wait too long.
Between 7:00 and 9:00 AM
I will have had my hurried breakfast of bread and Milo while Dad is lightly sleeping. Mom arrives and he suddenly opens his eyes. He is finally relaxed, and will either decide to eat with her or go back to sleep. The morning round of meds, urine catheterization, linen changing and adjustment of his IV access point begins, and he feels as though he had been roused from his evening rest, which is not a happy event. He gets into a fit and the hapless nurse/attendant ultimately makes more mistakes than usual. Mom then goes to her own PT session while I watch over Dad who is finally sleeping soundly after tiring himself out with his tantrums.
12:00 NN
We turn up the volume so Dad could hear Eat Bulaga on TV, which wakes him up. It is time for his heaviest meal of the day, which is lunch for us, but seems like "dinner" for him. This would be our happiest 2 hours, as we are all eating almost at the same time, or at least, very much awake and interacting with each other. The attending doctors do their rounds, and see Dad in a very alert state, confirming that their treatment is going well. Of course, we tell them of his restless nights, his moments of disorientation, and his annoying cough that takes forever to relieve. The doctors respond by reminding Dad that he needs to be awake in the day and asleep at night, to which he agrees with enthusiasm. I wish they would see him a few hours before dawn.
2:00 PM
Just when we think all is well, a violent cough brings out all the food Dad has consumed in the past 2 hours, including a few tablets left unswallowed in his mouth. His gown would need changing, but it will take a while before he agrees. Good thing the most important medicine he needs to take is administered via IV. We decide to let him get a "good night's sleep". I go get myself a cup of black coffee, knowing that my day will begin once more in a few hours.
****
It's tough adjusting to Dad's new body clock. A few days ago, I thought my own health was already compromised since I was getting chills and bouts of vertigo, and I may have even unconsciously thrown his tissue-wrapped dentures into the trash. A quick checkup by the nurse proved my temperature was normal, and it all may have been due to just fatigue. It seems my body was telling me not to teach my Dad to sleep at night and be awake in the daytime; it was telling me to do as the Romans for the time being.
I realize that he will not get back to his usual rhythm while he is still confined here at NKTI, as nurses would come and go at odd times all day and night, and his pneumonia is bothering his evening sleep too much. I just hope that when we get home, we could ease him back into the regular schedule of active days and restful nights. Till then, I will have my trusty mug with me to perk up my mornings with Milo and energize my evenings with black coffee. I'm crossing my fingers that my extended wakefulness these days would compensate for my painful absence in the UP oval, weight-wise :) I can't wait to run again!
5:00 PM
Dad wakes up and waits for "breakfast". We feed him plain congee and a soup-based dish, preferably fish since he recently misplaced his dentures and could not chew any hard food. He relaxes while the physical therapist stretches his limbs for him and makes him move from side to side while on his bed. He talks a bit with Mom and waits for the news on TV.
7:00 PM
Dad watches the news with Mom and me. Mom starts to pack stuff that needs to be brought home while Dad looks at her intently, as if trying to capture the last moments with her before my Kuya picks her up to bring her home. Sometimes Dad eats dinner while Mom is here, other times he chooses to eat a bit later.
9:00 PM
I've finished eating dinner myself but could not begin my evening ritual yet since Dad is wide awake and subsequently is coughing more often. I channel surf to look for other interesting channels than the usual telenovelas on local fare so Dad won't be bored while Mom isn't around. The hospital nurses do their rounds and give his medicine, change his nappy and do the intermittent catheterization to drain his bladder.
10:00 PM
I try to squeeze in a call to Joe but more often than not it gets interrupted because of Dad's unbearable cough. The pulmotherapist enters the room for Dad's nebulization, which is supposed to ease his discomfort. It ends in about 20 minutes. I try to call Joe again, but I either fail to get a signal or he will have lost his, which means he has already begun his work. I take a bath and brush my teeth, careful to lock the room door lest Dad would call for me while I'm lathering...
12:00 MN
Dad is still wide awake. The nurse gets his last blood glucose reading for the day. He constantly asks for mom and shows no signs of sleepiness. I desperately look for a boring channel but he ends up watching everything from the Asian Food Channel to Euromaxx. Maybe tonight I will try the Manila Jockey Club channel. Makataya na rin sa karera :P
3:00 AM
I have been falling in and out of consciousness for the past 3 hours or so, and I find Dad's eyes open like a baby's, in awe of his surroundings. He asks me what time Mom will be back. I tell him she'll be here once he wakes up, but he has to sleep first. The pulmotherapist returns for another nebulization session, and now Dad is grumpy and I have to hold the vapor mask in front of his face just so he doesn't skip it. He complains of an itch and I see dry bits of talcum powder and dead skin under his back on the bed. He tells me he needs a diaper change and I manage to do it all by myself because the nurses are nowhere to be found at this hour. On "lucky" days when his diaper is full, I draw warm water from the tap, mix it with bath soap in a basin, dip a washcloth and give him a sponge bath to refresh him.
6:00 AM
2 hours of deep sleep is rudely interrupted by the "good morning" courtesy call of the morning shift nurses. They have a litany of reminders about Dad's meds, his meals, his fluid intake, and the nebulization/PT schedules for the day. They leave without remembering to turn off the lights. I get up and shut them off myself. Meanwhile, Dad is awake again and asks if Mom is on her way. I tell him that she will be here soon. He tells me he will wait for her and not sleep anymore. I sigh and hope that she rode with Joy and Mitch so that we don't have to wait too long.
Between 7:00 and 9:00 AM
I will have had my hurried breakfast of bread and Milo while Dad is lightly sleeping. Mom arrives and he suddenly opens his eyes. He is finally relaxed, and will either decide to eat with her or go back to sleep. The morning round of meds, urine catheterization, linen changing and adjustment of his IV access point begins, and he feels as though he had been roused from his evening rest, which is not a happy event. He gets into a fit and the hapless nurse/attendant ultimately makes more mistakes than usual. Mom then goes to her own PT session while I watch over Dad who is finally sleeping soundly after tiring himself out with his tantrums.
12:00 NN
We turn up the volume so Dad could hear Eat Bulaga on TV, which wakes him up. It is time for his heaviest meal of the day, which is lunch for us, but seems like "dinner" for him. This would be our happiest 2 hours, as we are all eating almost at the same time, or at least, very much awake and interacting with each other. The attending doctors do their rounds, and see Dad in a very alert state, confirming that their treatment is going well. Of course, we tell them of his restless nights, his moments of disorientation, and his annoying cough that takes forever to relieve. The doctors respond by reminding Dad that he needs to be awake in the day and asleep at night, to which he agrees with enthusiasm. I wish they would see him a few hours before dawn.
2:00 PM
Just when we think all is well, a violent cough brings out all the food Dad has consumed in the past 2 hours, including a few tablets left unswallowed in his mouth. His gown would need changing, but it will take a while before he agrees. Good thing the most important medicine he needs to take is administered via IV. We decide to let him get a "good night's sleep". I go get myself a cup of black coffee, knowing that my day will begin once more in a few hours.
****
It's tough adjusting to Dad's new body clock. A few days ago, I thought my own health was already compromised since I was getting chills and bouts of vertigo, and I may have even unconsciously thrown his tissue-wrapped dentures into the trash. A quick checkup by the nurse proved my temperature was normal, and it all may have been due to just fatigue. It seems my body was telling me not to teach my Dad to sleep at night and be awake in the daytime; it was telling me to do as the Romans for the time being.
I realize that he will not get back to his usual rhythm while he is still confined here at NKTI, as nurses would come and go at odd times all day and night, and his pneumonia is bothering his evening sleep too much. I just hope that when we get home, we could ease him back into the regular schedule of active days and restful nights. Till then, I will have my trusty mug with me to perk up my mornings with Milo and energize my evenings with black coffee. I'm crossing my fingers that my extended wakefulness these days would compensate for my painful absence in the UP oval, weight-wise :) I can't wait to run again!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
fever, firetrees and high noon.
Dad and I are now at the hemodialysis center at the NKTI. He's got 3 hours and 20 minutes to go, says the magic machine, before we return to his room on the 3rd floor. He's sleeping peacefully in his bed, on the slot next to the window where we could see the firetrees on the parking lot, with its orange blooms flaming like the bright noonday sun. A few hours ago, he was also fired up with a fever that shot up to 39 degrees that would be one of the scariest nights of my life.
*****
It had been Day 9 here at the hospital, with Dad finally agreeing to undergo dialysis to help filter out the toxins from his blood that had been the cause of his fatigue and weakness. It was the second of three sessions that his nephrologist ordered, and we were preparing to sleep. I got out of the shower at 1:30 AM when I heard Dad mumble something. I couldn't understand since he had no dentures on and his cough was really bad. Finally, after a guessing game of context clues he nodded that he wanted to sleep and asked if the aircon could be turned off. I shut down the aircon and decided to put off blog writing for the next day.
After a few minutes of light slumber I felt a poke on my shoulder. Dad's arm went through the bed bars, nudging me awake. I asked what he wanted and he replied with such incoherence that I wanted to call the nurse to check if there was anything stuck in his catheters. As I checked the access point bandage on the side of his neck, I noticed his skin was warmer than usual, and he was shivering. I threw my blanket around him and knew instantly he had a fever. I called for the nurse and when she came she checked his temperature. it was 38.1 degrees Celsius. Yup, he had a fever.
The nurse went back to get paracetamol but I told her Dad's throat was too weak and congested to be able to take medicine orally. She said she had to wait for the doctor's endorsement to allow administration via IV. We waited for 20 minutes. By now Dad's eyes were wide open and he was asking me so many things I couldn't understand. I crept by the side of his bed and curled by his back and hugged him. He resisted at first but eventually moved his back closer to me, shaking with chills.
The nurse came back not with an endorsement but with a rubber tube to use to suction Dad's throat to clear it of all obstructions for oral medication. The annoying intrusion of a long plastic tube down to his throat was too much for Dad that it barely got out anything. The nurse advised his temp was not high enough to make IV administration urgently necessary. I told her to take it again. It rose to 39 degrees. She immediately rushed to the station to inform the doctor on the phone. After another 20 minutes of shivering restlessness, a syringe of paracetamol was injected into Dad's IV access tube. I then decided to call Mom and send an SMS to my siblings and to Joe about what happened.
Within minutes, the fever seemed to break already. Dad was profusely sweating and I lifted all the blankets and towels I swathed him in. I dipped a towel in warm water and wiped his face and limbs. We changed his gown and flipped his sweat-soaked pillow on the drier side. It was almost 5AM. He rested while I waited for Mom and my brother to come but I didn't get to see them as I blacked out in exhaustion.
By the time I awoke, it was already 8 in the morning and Mom was attending to Dad's needs. I felt bad that she had to miss her PT session again because of the emergency, but she told me that she was making arrangements to have it here instead. Eventually she found an available slot, and she told me to look after Dad on the first hour of his dialysis so she could take my place when she's done and I could do some errands for them.
*****
As I was about to go online, Dad opened his eyes to me and I told him to look out the window and see the firetrees and the bright sunshine that had been hiding for the past few days. He glanced nonchalantly and tried to tilt his head to the other side but the nurse stopped him and told him to face the side to the window to allow his dialysis tubes to function properly.
I put down my laptop and got closer so I could catch his words. He is still difficult to understand when he speaks, but his eyes are calmer now. I fed him juice and water as he requested, then he breathed deeply and whispered,
"Could I sleep now, here? I feel tired."
"Yes, Daddy. Sleep all you want."
"OK. Thank you."
My eldest sister came after an hour to tell me I could use her driver for my errands while she watches over Dad. Mom called to say she would be done in half an hour for us to have lunch before we do our separate duties.
Everything seems be back the way it had been for the past week, but we are praying for better weeks to come. We know it will not happen overnight, but we are hoping that Dad will be patient enough to wait, and be willing enough to be healed. After all, even if the rains and cloudy skies of the season have arrived, there will be bright sunny days like this every now and then, with gleaming firetrees waving by the road on the way home.
*****
It had been Day 9 here at the hospital, with Dad finally agreeing to undergo dialysis to help filter out the toxins from his blood that had been the cause of his fatigue and weakness. It was the second of three sessions that his nephrologist ordered, and we were preparing to sleep. I got out of the shower at 1:30 AM when I heard Dad mumble something. I couldn't understand since he had no dentures on and his cough was really bad. Finally, after a guessing game of context clues he nodded that he wanted to sleep and asked if the aircon could be turned off. I shut down the aircon and decided to put off blog writing for the next day.
After a few minutes of light slumber I felt a poke on my shoulder. Dad's arm went through the bed bars, nudging me awake. I asked what he wanted and he replied with such incoherence that I wanted to call the nurse to check if there was anything stuck in his catheters. As I checked the access point bandage on the side of his neck, I noticed his skin was warmer than usual, and he was shivering. I threw my blanket around him and knew instantly he had a fever. I called for the nurse and when she came she checked his temperature. it was 38.1 degrees Celsius. Yup, he had a fever.
The nurse went back to get paracetamol but I told her Dad's throat was too weak and congested to be able to take medicine orally. She said she had to wait for the doctor's endorsement to allow administration via IV. We waited for 20 minutes. By now Dad's eyes were wide open and he was asking me so many things I couldn't understand. I crept by the side of his bed and curled by his back and hugged him. He resisted at first but eventually moved his back closer to me, shaking with chills.
The nurse came back not with an endorsement but with a rubber tube to use to suction Dad's throat to clear it of all obstructions for oral medication. The annoying intrusion of a long plastic tube down to his throat was too much for Dad that it barely got out anything. The nurse advised his temp was not high enough to make IV administration urgently necessary. I told her to take it again. It rose to 39 degrees. She immediately rushed to the station to inform the doctor on the phone. After another 20 minutes of shivering restlessness, a syringe of paracetamol was injected into Dad's IV access tube. I then decided to call Mom and send an SMS to my siblings and to Joe about what happened.
Within minutes, the fever seemed to break already. Dad was profusely sweating and I lifted all the blankets and towels I swathed him in. I dipped a towel in warm water and wiped his face and limbs. We changed his gown and flipped his sweat-soaked pillow on the drier side. It was almost 5AM. He rested while I waited for Mom and my brother to come but I didn't get to see them as I blacked out in exhaustion.
By the time I awoke, it was already 8 in the morning and Mom was attending to Dad's needs. I felt bad that she had to miss her PT session again because of the emergency, but she told me that she was making arrangements to have it here instead. Eventually she found an available slot, and she told me to look after Dad on the first hour of his dialysis so she could take my place when she's done and I could do some errands for them.
*****
As I was about to go online, Dad opened his eyes to me and I told him to look out the window and see the firetrees and the bright sunshine that had been hiding for the past few days. He glanced nonchalantly and tried to tilt his head to the other side but the nurse stopped him and told him to face the side to the window to allow his dialysis tubes to function properly.
I put down my laptop and got closer so I could catch his words. He is still difficult to understand when he speaks, but his eyes are calmer now. I fed him juice and water as he requested, then he breathed deeply and whispered,
"Could I sleep now, here? I feel tired."
"Yes, Daddy. Sleep all you want."
"OK. Thank you."
My eldest sister came after an hour to tell me I could use her driver for my errands while she watches over Dad. Mom called to say she would be done in half an hour for us to have lunch before we do our separate duties.
Everything seems be back the way it had been for the past week, but we are praying for better weeks to come. We know it will not happen overnight, but we are hoping that Dad will be patient enough to wait, and be willing enough to be healed. After all, even if the rains and cloudy skies of the season have arrived, there will be bright sunny days like this every now and then, with gleaming firetrees waving by the road on the way home.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
i scratch your back, don't scratch yours.
I do not know how to give a massage. It's something I've not been accustomed to giving (or receiving, for that matter). My hands are a pressure FAIL because they are small, light and too clumsy to recognize the right bumps on the back (how do knots feel, anyway? and how do i know i'm not harming the spine?), and I tire easily. When I'm the one getting the massage, I always feel like meat being tenderized for a barbecue, or bangus being laid out to be deboned for daing.
But ask me to scratch your back and I will gladly oblige, to labor and ask not for reward :P I am an excellent backscratcher, with more than 24 years of experience in this field. I'm surprised that there are no scratching services available in a spa; the salt backrubs are a poor substitute for the real thing. Nothing beats freshly cut fingernails clawing back and forth along one's largest and thickest skin area to ensure a good night's rest.
Daddy always loved having his back scratched before going to sleep. I was such an eager beaver when I was little, thinking that whatever grooming chore Dad asked me to do was a sure sign that I was growing up. I would help shine his boots, pluck tiny stubble from his chin, and scratch his back with the force of a mountain cat. Still, my tiny hands would never be enough. I tried using a hairbrush, and purchased those handy wooden backscratchers from Baguio. But nothing could compare to the long, polished nails of my mom, which Dad preferred over anyone or anything else. Later on I would realize that more than the force or precision of movement, the value of her gesture was that of intimacy, akin to a romantic massage.
When I scratch someone's back or (try to) give a massage, my arms tire easily, and part of the weariness is the effort to hide it from the recipient. There is the need for rhythm and direction to create order and mask the difficulty of the task. It speaks of selflessness; it is a simple way of taking pains to take away another's pain. That is also why I feel extra grateful when I am the one receiving the backscratch -- knowing how tiresome it is to give it, I feel the giver makes my personal comfort a priority over his own.
In the days prior to Dad's confinement here at NKTI, he had been complaining of an itchy back. Mom refused, saying that he had bed sores and his back already had little wounds from constant scratching. He was groaning like a child, pleading Mom to ease his discomfort, to which my mother tried to turn a deaf ear. She could only move so much, with a lumbar support belt preventing her to twist to Dad's side. He then asked for me to do it. I chose to scratch on the shirt he was wearing to protect his back from bleeding, and applied alcohol and baby powder to soothe him. We were informed by his nephrologist later on that the itchiness was not due to bed sores; it was an accumulation of toxins in the blood due to the poor filtration of the kidneys which went all the way up to the skin, causing it to itch. We never would have thought it by ourselves to be a sign of renal failure.
The itching has since subsided with medication that helps balance the chemicals in the blood. We would have been cleared for discharge today if only we didn't have to bring him home with a catheter still attached to his ureter for about 4 more days since his prostate is still 450% larger than normal. What used to be a secondary concern -- his creatinine levels -- has become a potentially life-threatening danger, and immediate dialysis looms in the horizon to become more of a need than an option.
Watching over Dad almost every night in the hospital while Mom takes care of her own health needs does not feel like a burden any more than scratching his back when I was a child. I am merely giving back the love he has given to all of us for most of his life. It is not easy; I falter, I lose my temper, I forget to be kind at times. But I hope that despite my shortcomings, I can help enough, and love them enough, so we can all live through this and we could all be home again.
But ask me to scratch your back and I will gladly oblige, to labor and ask not for reward :P I am an excellent backscratcher, with more than 24 years of experience in this field. I'm surprised that there are no scratching services available in a spa; the salt backrubs are a poor substitute for the real thing. Nothing beats freshly cut fingernails clawing back and forth along one's largest and thickest skin area to ensure a good night's rest.
Daddy always loved having his back scratched before going to sleep. I was such an eager beaver when I was little, thinking that whatever grooming chore Dad asked me to do was a sure sign that I was growing up. I would help shine his boots, pluck tiny stubble from his chin, and scratch his back with the force of a mountain cat. Still, my tiny hands would never be enough. I tried using a hairbrush, and purchased those handy wooden backscratchers from Baguio. But nothing could compare to the long, polished nails of my mom, which Dad preferred over anyone or anything else. Later on I would realize that more than the force or precision of movement, the value of her gesture was that of intimacy, akin to a romantic massage.
When I scratch someone's back or (try to) give a massage, my arms tire easily, and part of the weariness is the effort to hide it from the recipient. There is the need for rhythm and direction to create order and mask the difficulty of the task. It speaks of selflessness; it is a simple way of taking pains to take away another's pain. That is also why I feel extra grateful when I am the one receiving the backscratch -- knowing how tiresome it is to give it, I feel the giver makes my personal comfort a priority over his own.
In the days prior to Dad's confinement here at NKTI, he had been complaining of an itchy back. Mom refused, saying that he had bed sores and his back already had little wounds from constant scratching. He was groaning like a child, pleading Mom to ease his discomfort, to which my mother tried to turn a deaf ear. She could only move so much, with a lumbar support belt preventing her to twist to Dad's side. He then asked for me to do it. I chose to scratch on the shirt he was wearing to protect his back from bleeding, and applied alcohol and baby powder to soothe him. We were informed by his nephrologist later on that the itchiness was not due to bed sores; it was an accumulation of toxins in the blood due to the poor filtration of the kidneys which went all the way up to the skin, causing it to itch. We never would have thought it by ourselves to be a sign of renal failure.
The itching has since subsided with medication that helps balance the chemicals in the blood. We would have been cleared for discharge today if only we didn't have to bring him home with a catheter still attached to his ureter for about 4 more days since his prostate is still 450% larger than normal. What used to be a secondary concern -- his creatinine levels -- has become a potentially life-threatening danger, and immediate dialysis looms in the horizon to become more of a need than an option.
Watching over Dad almost every night in the hospital while Mom takes care of her own health needs does not feel like a burden any more than scratching his back when I was a child. I am merely giving back the love he has given to all of us for most of his life. It is not easy; I falter, I lose my temper, I forget to be kind at times. But I hope that despite my shortcomings, I can help enough, and love them enough, so we can all live through this and we could all be home again.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
"huwag mo akong pakialaman."
I thought it was a sign he was feeling better. After all, we had a marvelous Friday. We went to San Fernando, had a Kapampangan lunch and merienda at my Ate's house, rested back home for a while and then ended the day with a great acupuncture/general checkup at the Living Life Well Clinic (which he enjoys visiting every week).
He gently told me to leave him be while we were preparing him for bed. I didn't take offense since he had gradually been doing things independently. He got to use a fork by himself, he could get up from the bed on his own, and even get to walk a bit with me and my mom by his side. It did not prepare me for what was to happen from midnight till sunrise.
He complained he could not pee and asked to be brought to the bathroom despite the knowledge that he wore a diaper. We gave in to his request and waited for him to finish. Mom and I even thought that maybe Dad wanted to try to train himself again to use the toilet, and to fulfill the 20-steps-a-day promise he made to his doctor. Unfortunately, he was not aware that he had already done his business in the bathroom and still insisted he didn't feel anything. We brought him back to bed and coaxed him to sleep. I figured maybe he had a urinary infection causing the urge to pee, and that maybe buko juice in the morning could relieve him.
From 2:30am to 7am, Dad was alternately groaning and asking permission to urinate. He was telling us to call my Kuya and get the car to bring him to the hospital since he felt it was not normal to not be able to pee. We gave him his most hated medication that caused him to urinate, and finally, he peed. But still, he felt it was not enough. At 9am, I decided to call my Kuya and Ate to help take him to the hospital.
When they arrived and asked how he felt, he complained of a tummy ache. We gave him an antacid, then waited if he still wanted to leave the house. He chose to sleep. He had breakfast and a late lunch and watched TV with me in the afternoon but was mostly grumpy and still felt he wasn't peeing enough. By 8pm, and an hour of trying in the toilet, Mom and I told Dad he had to go to the hospital.
And so, now, at 3am, I am once again alone at home, while Dad is under observation at the National Kidney Transplant Institute for a suspected enlarged prostate, with Mom watching by his side. It was comforting to see him finally relieved once the catheter was in place (filled to almost half a gallon -- THAT must've really hurt!!!), but was worried about the narrow watcher's bed for Mom; Here's hoping we get discharged by Sunday afternoon so she won't harm her back.
When the sun rises, I shall bring them their personal stuff, a bag of crackers and maybe breakfast composed of yummy palengke finds at the nearby Lung Center (if I get to wake up early enough!).
Please, Lord, please, let there be no other bothersome complications so we could enjoy the rest of our week :)
He gently told me to leave him be while we were preparing him for bed. I didn't take offense since he had gradually been doing things independently. He got to use a fork by himself, he could get up from the bed on his own, and even get to walk a bit with me and my mom by his side. It did not prepare me for what was to happen from midnight till sunrise.
He complained he could not pee and asked to be brought to the bathroom despite the knowledge that he wore a diaper. We gave in to his request and waited for him to finish. Mom and I even thought that maybe Dad wanted to try to train himself again to use the toilet, and to fulfill the 20-steps-a-day promise he made to his doctor. Unfortunately, he was not aware that he had already done his business in the bathroom and still insisted he didn't feel anything. We brought him back to bed and coaxed him to sleep. I figured maybe he had a urinary infection causing the urge to pee, and that maybe buko juice in the morning could relieve him.
From 2:30am to 7am, Dad was alternately groaning and asking permission to urinate. He was telling us to call my Kuya and get the car to bring him to the hospital since he felt it was not normal to not be able to pee. We gave him his most hated medication that caused him to urinate, and finally, he peed. But still, he felt it was not enough. At 9am, I decided to call my Kuya and Ate to help take him to the hospital.
When they arrived and asked how he felt, he complained of a tummy ache. We gave him an antacid, then waited if he still wanted to leave the house. He chose to sleep. He had breakfast and a late lunch and watched TV with me in the afternoon but was mostly grumpy and still felt he wasn't peeing enough. By 8pm, and an hour of trying in the toilet, Mom and I told Dad he had to go to the hospital.
And so, now, at 3am, I am once again alone at home, while Dad is under observation at the National Kidney Transplant Institute for a suspected enlarged prostate, with Mom watching by his side. It was comforting to see him finally relieved once the catheter was in place (filled to almost half a gallon -- THAT must've really hurt!!!), but was worried about the narrow watcher's bed for Mom; Here's hoping we get discharged by Sunday afternoon so she won't harm her back.
When the sun rises, I shall bring them their personal stuff, a bag of crackers and maybe breakfast composed of yummy palengke finds at the nearby Lung Center (if I get to wake up early enough!).
Please, Lord, please, let there be no other bothersome complications so we could enjoy the rest of our week :)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Friday, I'm in love.
Yesterday, Friday, June 25, was Daddy's Day Out.
I was careful not to spill too much information or get too excited lest I jinx the event. Mom had asked me to drive her to San Fernando, Pampanga, to visit the wake of Dad's elder officemate who, at 89, had still been reporting for work until about 4 months ago, when her sense of direction failed her and left her stranded in Philcoa when she was supposed to be in Malabon (she lived in Paranaque). Mom initially thought that maybe it wasn't a good idea to break the sad news to Dad, whom we were trying to cheer up since he had been mostly quiet and glum here at home. I suggested to Mom to at least tell Dad about it, and maybe with his indifference he would just shrug it off but appreciate the update.
Surprise, surprise! He wanted to join us in Pampanga. I was ecstatic! This guy wouldn't even want to walk to the dining room and seemed to prefer to do everything from his bed, and now he was eager to ride with us on a 2-hour out of town trip! I immediately rang my Ate and asked her to join us so we could also visit her resthouse and maybe have lunch there. She was thrilled as well to hear that he wanted to go out, and worked her schedule to have the four of us spend the morning and lunch in Pampanga.
Dad was easy to wake up that morning, and we were off by 11am. We drove through the new NLEX exit via Mindanao Avenue (it was great!) and were in San Fernando in no time. Ate set the radio to a station that played oldies, and we hoped it would evoke happy memories in Dad's mind. He slept; perhaps it set the perfect background for dreams of when he was young. Definitely, it did just that for me, as I remembered the time when I was a little girl of 8, buckled up in the front seat, with Dad driving to Malabon, and the strains of Julio Iglesias' suave voice played in the car.
We got to the funeral parlor, and I paid close attention for any signs of distress or depression in Dad's eyes. He kept it hidden until when we were about to leave; secretly, I watched him look lovingly at the coffin, with moist eyes.
We had a lovely lunch of corn soup, grilled hito and tilapia, warm rice and a side of steamed vegetables and burong dalag! I think I was the one who ate the most (I even beat the driver since he was interrupted to drive to buy merienda, hehe)! But it was ok for Dad to have a modest fill so he could have space for Razon's halo-halo and palabok a few hours later! It was nice to stay at my Ate's house. It had the same feel as the house in Malabon. I put on a CD of Tony Bennett for Dad. His eyes glistened with tears again and gazed into another world as he sat contemplatively in his wheelchair. I began to worry that this trip may have been too emotionally draining for him, but he did not complain. My fears were put to rest in the evening when we went to Living Life Well, a holistic health center, despite the heavy downpour and the late schedule (9pm).
The moment Dad saw the good doctor, his face brightened up. The hours out in the sun did wonders for his skin, his cheeks blushing. He opened up when the doctor asked about his day, and Dad was talkative! There was not a sad note in his recollection of the day's events, and was even eager to go on a couple more of such memory trips (next stop, Malabon and Canyon Woods!). He felt stronger, and when we lifted him from his seat to transfer him to the car, we felt him carrying his own weight. He was helping himself regardless of whose arm he held onto for support, which was in contrast to his usual "I want Mom" pleas for anything. He was even comfortable with Joe pushing the wheelchair for him :)
The rain persisted until we were home, and Dad was in the mood for a nightcap of mamon and coffee before going to bed. I began to think about the increasing number of kilometers I felt I needed to run after all the food I've been consuming, but it was always a good time to eat when Dad was in the mood, that it's worth all the extra pounds. The early morning nappy changing will probably compensate for it, anyway. This was a golden day! Thank you, Lord :)
I was careful not to spill too much information or get too excited lest I jinx the event. Mom had asked me to drive her to San Fernando, Pampanga, to visit the wake of Dad's elder officemate who, at 89, had still been reporting for work until about 4 months ago, when her sense of direction failed her and left her stranded in Philcoa when she was supposed to be in Malabon (she lived in Paranaque). Mom initially thought that maybe it wasn't a good idea to break the sad news to Dad, whom we were trying to cheer up since he had been mostly quiet and glum here at home. I suggested to Mom to at least tell Dad about it, and maybe with his indifference he would just shrug it off but appreciate the update.
Surprise, surprise! He wanted to join us in Pampanga. I was ecstatic! This guy wouldn't even want to walk to the dining room and seemed to prefer to do everything from his bed, and now he was eager to ride with us on a 2-hour out of town trip! I immediately rang my Ate and asked her to join us so we could also visit her resthouse and maybe have lunch there. She was thrilled as well to hear that he wanted to go out, and worked her schedule to have the four of us spend the morning and lunch in Pampanga.
Dad was easy to wake up that morning, and we were off by 11am. We drove through the new NLEX exit via Mindanao Avenue (it was great!) and were in San Fernando in no time. Ate set the radio to a station that played oldies, and we hoped it would evoke happy memories in Dad's mind. He slept; perhaps it set the perfect background for dreams of when he was young. Definitely, it did just that for me, as I remembered the time when I was a little girl of 8, buckled up in the front seat, with Dad driving to Malabon, and the strains of Julio Iglesias' suave voice played in the car.
We got to the funeral parlor, and I paid close attention for any signs of distress or depression in Dad's eyes. He kept it hidden until when we were about to leave; secretly, I watched him look lovingly at the coffin, with moist eyes.
We had a lovely lunch of corn soup, grilled hito and tilapia, warm rice and a side of steamed vegetables and burong dalag! I think I was the one who ate the most (I even beat the driver since he was interrupted to drive to buy merienda, hehe)! But it was ok for Dad to have a modest fill so he could have space for Razon's halo-halo and palabok a few hours later! It was nice to stay at my Ate's house. It had the same feel as the house in Malabon. I put on a CD of Tony Bennett for Dad. His eyes glistened with tears again and gazed into another world as he sat contemplatively in his wheelchair. I began to worry that this trip may have been too emotionally draining for him, but he did not complain. My fears were put to rest in the evening when we went to Living Life Well, a holistic health center, despite the heavy downpour and the late schedule (9pm).
The moment Dad saw the good doctor, his face brightened up. The hours out in the sun did wonders for his skin, his cheeks blushing. He opened up when the doctor asked about his day, and Dad was talkative! There was not a sad note in his recollection of the day's events, and was even eager to go on a couple more of such memory trips (next stop, Malabon and Canyon Woods!). He felt stronger, and when we lifted him from his seat to transfer him to the car, we felt him carrying his own weight. He was helping himself regardless of whose arm he held onto for support, which was in contrast to his usual "I want Mom" pleas for anything. He was even comfortable with Joe pushing the wheelchair for him :)
The rain persisted until we were home, and Dad was in the mood for a nightcap of mamon and coffee before going to bed. I began to think about the increasing number of kilometers I felt I needed to run after all the food I've been consuming, but it was always a good time to eat when Dad was in the mood, that it's worth all the extra pounds. The early morning nappy changing will probably compensate for it, anyway. This was a golden day! Thank you, Lord :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
11 minutes past tuesday.
I'm late, as usual.
The idea of this blog came to me when I prepared for bed yesterday. It was a good day, with me and my parents eating more rice than the previous night even if we've been having the same fish sinigang for dinner almost every night. Dad was very cooperative; he ate his meal and had himself cleaned and dressed by Mom and me without complaining, and even seemed to enjoy the attention. It was almost like handling a baby! Best of all, he smiled. That was worth waiting until midnight for my turn to do my evening rituals.
And then, at 2:30AM, with barely a couple of hours of sleep, I was roused by my mother. Dad's nappies were soiled and had to be changed -- and we had to let him finish a few more minutes before we could freshen him up. How apt it was for me to have thought of it like handling a baby. It was going to be a long night. And it was just the beginning of a Tuesday, with the workday looming like a sales deadline.
******
It was, I think, in 2004 when I lent Dad my copy of Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom. He started reading it on the plane to Narita Airport and finished it on a bus in Tokyo. He wept with sympathy for the old man in the story who eventually could not wipe his own ass and reluctantly had to let go of the independent life he once had. It was also around that time when Dad started contemplating about his age and his aging (see a bit of it in this old blog entry). He was worried about reaching that point in his life when he can no longer fend for himself. Over lunch by the poolside in the sports club where we spent many happy weekends, he admitted that he was terrified of being helplessly old. He was past 76, working as he had always been in government, driving an SUV. riding the MRT when he had the chance, and sending text messages to us at least thrice a day. He was strong for his age, yet he was fully aware that each day was a lucky card, and that luck would soon wear out.
Daddy was talking to me as though I was beyond my 25 years. I could only scratch the surface even if I tried to bury myself in his concerns. Yet I treasured that one hour with him, when I became not only a daughter but a confidant. And I will always remember how he looked that day, that seemed like any other day then but is now only a distant memory of how he used to dress: his cropped white hair which he still brushed with pomade to keep it from standing up like a fauxhawk, his clean-cut, after-shave scented face, his trusty Timex, the neatly pressed opaque barong with his elegant cufflinks, his trousers that naturally fell below his waist to accommodate his round belly, and his comfy rubber-soled Florsheims. He spoke with such a gentle yet powerful voice, with each word carefully enunciated, wishing to be forever etched in the convolutions of my immature brain:
"Love your mother and all of your siblings. Be honest in your work and in everything you do. Always be humble. Do not stay where you are not happy. Be careful of whom you trust unconditionally. But more importantly, just love. And be prepared to love greatly with a big heart."
He drove me back to the office while I was trying to hide my tear-streaked cheeks with makeup. He was so proud of me earning my own income and recently getting promoted. He was hoping I would still pursue higher education, and that maybe I had found the one whom I would marry.
We held hands before I got out of the CRV. Part of me was worried that he might have a health problem that prompted him to suddenly give me The Talk, but for the most part I was grateful that I was just there to listen to him.
****
It had been an hour now since Dad's diapers were changed, but the mixed smells of soiled wipes and baby powder kept me from going back to sleep. I felt like a young mom dreading the sleepless nights that came with caring for a human being who didn't know how his bodily functions disrupted my own. I looked over my own mother, who carefully removed her latex gloves to wrap in the used underpad, swiftly going through the motions in such a calm, orderly manner. Her quick yet quiet movements seemed to teach me the most important thing I could ever learn as a woman: grace. That is the one trait that keeps her frustrations at bay, that fills her heart with patience, that keeps her frail and fractured body able enough to still be at her husband's side. And I am determined to be her devoted pupil as we transition into this phase in our lives.
I hope to document in this blog all of our little milestones, to bring you into the world of oldsitting/elderly caregiving, which may not be as cute as a baby's "firsts" book, but is nonetheless such a wonderful world to be in. There will definitely be more difficult Tuesdays than this in the coming weeks, but we shall journey through them with the hope of brighter Tuesdays (and other days) with Daddy.
The idea of this blog came to me when I prepared for bed yesterday. It was a good day, with me and my parents eating more rice than the previous night even if we've been having the same fish sinigang for dinner almost every night. Dad was very cooperative; he ate his meal and had himself cleaned and dressed by Mom and me without complaining, and even seemed to enjoy the attention. It was almost like handling a baby! Best of all, he smiled. That was worth waiting until midnight for my turn to do my evening rituals.
And then, at 2:30AM, with barely a couple of hours of sleep, I was roused by my mother. Dad's nappies were soiled and had to be changed -- and we had to let him finish a few more minutes before we could freshen him up. How apt it was for me to have thought of it like handling a baby. It was going to be a long night. And it was just the beginning of a Tuesday, with the workday looming like a sales deadline.
******
It was, I think, in 2004 when I lent Dad my copy of Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom. He started reading it on the plane to Narita Airport and finished it on a bus in Tokyo. He wept with sympathy for the old man in the story who eventually could not wipe his own ass and reluctantly had to let go of the independent life he once had. It was also around that time when Dad started contemplating about his age and his aging (see a bit of it in this old blog entry). He was worried about reaching that point in his life when he can no longer fend for himself. Over lunch by the poolside in the sports club where we spent many happy weekends, he admitted that he was terrified of being helplessly old. He was past 76, working as he had always been in government, driving an SUV. riding the MRT when he had the chance, and sending text messages to us at least thrice a day. He was strong for his age, yet he was fully aware that each day was a lucky card, and that luck would soon wear out.
Daddy was talking to me as though I was beyond my 25 years. I could only scratch the surface even if I tried to bury myself in his concerns. Yet I treasured that one hour with him, when I became not only a daughter but a confidant. And I will always remember how he looked that day, that seemed like any other day then but is now only a distant memory of how he used to dress: his cropped white hair which he still brushed with pomade to keep it from standing up like a fauxhawk, his clean-cut, after-shave scented face, his trusty Timex, the neatly pressed opaque barong with his elegant cufflinks, his trousers that naturally fell below his waist to accommodate his round belly, and his comfy rubber-soled Florsheims. He spoke with such a gentle yet powerful voice, with each word carefully enunciated, wishing to be forever etched in the convolutions of my immature brain:
"Love your mother and all of your siblings. Be honest in your work and in everything you do. Always be humble. Do not stay where you are not happy. Be careful of whom you trust unconditionally. But more importantly, just love. And be prepared to love greatly with a big heart."
He drove me back to the office while I was trying to hide my tear-streaked cheeks with makeup. He was so proud of me earning my own income and recently getting promoted. He was hoping I would still pursue higher education, and that maybe I had found the one whom I would marry.
We held hands before I got out of the CRV. Part of me was worried that he might have a health problem that prompted him to suddenly give me The Talk, but for the most part I was grateful that I was just there to listen to him.
****
It had been an hour now since Dad's diapers were changed, but the mixed smells of soiled wipes and baby powder kept me from going back to sleep. I felt like a young mom dreading the sleepless nights that came with caring for a human being who didn't know how his bodily functions disrupted my own. I looked over my own mother, who carefully removed her latex gloves to wrap in the used underpad, swiftly going through the motions in such a calm, orderly manner. Her quick yet quiet movements seemed to teach me the most important thing I could ever learn as a woman: grace. That is the one trait that keeps her frustrations at bay, that fills her heart with patience, that keeps her frail and fractured body able enough to still be at her husband's side. And I am determined to be her devoted pupil as we transition into this phase in our lives.
I hope to document in this blog all of our little milestones, to bring you into the world of oldsitting/elderly caregiving, which may not be as cute as a baby's "firsts" book, but is nonetheless such a wonderful world to be in. There will definitely be more difficult Tuesdays than this in the coming weeks, but we shall journey through them with the hope of brighter Tuesdays (and other days) with Daddy.
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